Subject: TOP SECRET SOURCE-CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!
From:    Lorenz Merdian [in cooperation with TXant]

Look what I've intercepted from Hollenberg-Gymnasium
after a week of hard hacking into its computer system: kolleg.exe

program kollegium

#include <naiv.h>
#include <nonsense.h>
#define overlord=noss
#define mark=distance_from_board/2

procedure <sylvia>
  #include <doppel_naiv.h>
  #include <slowhand.h>
  #include <schönschreib.h>
  #define writespeed=0.00001 [characters per hour]
  #define writeaccuracy=120%
  if kurs=english
    then #define kurstreffen=standard
  if kurs=geschi
    then #define average_mark=average_mark-1
  const date_of_klausur_back=current_date+1

procedure <dagmar>
  #include <mainstream-interpretationen.h>
  #include <terror.h>
  #exclude <tolerance.h>
  #define year_of_last_jahrbuch=current_year-2
  if pupil<>fan_von_deutsch
     or pupil<>mainstream-interpretationen
     then pupil=auf_dem_kieker_haben
  
procedure <karl-dieter>
  #include <locker_sitzen.h>
  #include <gestik.h>
  #include <gewiß_etc.h>
  #define writestyle=opposite_of(sylvia)
  #define maximum_lines_on_board=3
  #define zeichnung_an_tafel > kunst_von_picasso
  if pupil_said=yes and correct=no
    then interpret_aussage_as=correct
  const best_mark=2+

procedure <therese>
  #include <fremdwort.h>
  #include <computer.h>
  if kurs=erde
    then #include <chemie.h>  (! Jaja)
  #define wissen_über_pc=0
  #define selbsteinschätzung=
          efficient_use_of_pc_or_internet_by_therese=enabled
  #define realität=
          efficient_use_of_pc_or_internet_by_therese=disabled
  if pupil=[patrick,henning,any_of_ek-lk,...]
    then demand_an_attest=always
  popularity=infinite

procedure <günter>
  #include <günni.h>
  #include <jimmy.h>
  #include <burning_guitar.h>
  #include <cool_boy.h>
  #define mund=halboffen
  #define haare=aus_dem_hemd_quellen
  if pupil's_begeisterung < 100% then ask=wie_kann_ich_den_unterricht_interessanter_machen?

procedure <ulrike>
  #include <irony.h> (! in-joke)

procedure <walter>
  #include <efficiency.h>
  #include <sorgfalt.h>
  #include <sparsam.h>
  #define mutation_to_berserk=in_some_situations_not_excluded
  #define meinung_über_walter=gespalten
  #define lesson_style=like_no_other
           (! Ob gut oder schlecht ist jetzt egal)
  #define knowledge_about_everything=high
  #define last_lesson_before_holidays=LW
  #define LW=lebensweisheiten
  #define kurstreffen=disabled
  #define demand_on_henning=disabled_after_30th_attest
           (! consequence: look at Abi-Entlassung...)
  const maximum_possibilities_of_answers=2
  demand_on_pupil=high
  if something=missing
    then call procedure <hans-henning>
    
procedure <beatrix>
  #include <mathe.h>
  #define ergebnis_von_beatrix=exaktes_ergebnis +/- 3000%
  const=friseurbesuch/year=0

procedure <willi>
  #include <political_correctness.h>
  #define importance=genscher+1
  #define support_from_bundesanstalt_f_polit_bildung=infinite (! paper-overflow-error)
  call procedure <dagmar>
  const gehaltsklasse=gehaltsklasse_letztes_jahr+1
  
procedure <hans-henning>
  #include <genius.h>
  #include <fertile.h>
  const frequency_of_walks_out_of_room=1/min
  const note_auf_heft=4+
  confusion=enabled
  call procedure <walter> on demand
  call procedure <walter> if something=doesnt_work

procedure <renate>
  #include <reli-kopien.h> (! paper-overflow-error)
  #define demand_on_fresh_air=always
           (! results in open windows)
  if hunger=groß
    then #define success_of_gottesdienst=100% 
  if erste_stunden=sowieso_frei
    then #define success_of_gottesdienst=0%

end of program.