Subject: TOP SECRET SOURCE-CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!
From: Lorenz Merdian [in cooperation with TXant]
Look what I've intercepted from Hollenberg-Gymnasium
after a week of hard hacking into its computer system: kolleg.exe
program kollegium
#include <naiv.h>
#include <nonsense.h>
#define overlord=noss
#define mark=distance_from_board/2
procedure <sylvia>
#include <doppel_naiv.h>
#include <slowhand.h>
#include <schönschreib.h>
#define writespeed=0.00001 [characters per hour]
#define writeaccuracy=120%
if kurs=english
then #define kurstreffen=standard
if kurs=geschi
then #define average_mark=average_mark-1
const date_of_klausur_back=current_date+1
procedure <dagmar>
#include <mainstream-interpretationen.h>
#include <terror.h>
#exclude <tolerance.h>
#define year_of_last_jahrbuch=current_year-2
if pupil<>fan_von_deutsch
or pupil<>mainstream-interpretationen
then pupil=auf_dem_kieker_haben
procedure <karl-dieter>
#include <locker_sitzen.h>
#include <gestik.h>
#include <gewiß_etc.h>
#define writestyle=opposite_of(sylvia)
#define maximum_lines_on_board=3
#define zeichnung_an_tafel > kunst_von_picasso
if pupil_said=yes and correct=no
then interpret_aussage_as=correct
const best_mark=2+
procedure <therese>
#include <fremdwort.h>
#include <computer.h>
if kurs=erde
then #include <chemie.h> (! Jaja)
#define wissen_über_pc=0
#define selbsteinschätzung=
efficient_use_of_pc_or_internet_by_therese=enabled
#define realität=
efficient_use_of_pc_or_internet_by_therese=disabled
if pupil=[patrick,henning,any_of_ek-lk,...]
then demand_an_attest=always
popularity=infinite
procedure <günter>
#include <günni.h>
#include <jimmy.h>
#include <burning_guitar.h>
#include <cool_boy.h>
#define mund=halboffen
#define haare=aus_dem_hemd_quellen
if pupil's_begeisterung < 100% then ask=wie_kann_ich_den_unterricht_interessanter_machen?
procedure <ulrike>
#include <irony.h> (! in-joke)
procedure <walter>
#include <efficiency.h>
#include <sorgfalt.h>
#include <sparsam.h>
#define mutation_to_berserk=in_some_situations_not_excluded
#define meinung_über_walter=gespalten
#define lesson_style=like_no_other
(! Ob gut oder schlecht ist jetzt egal)
#define knowledge_about_everything=high
#define last_lesson_before_holidays=LW
#define LW=lebensweisheiten
#define kurstreffen=disabled
#define demand_on_henning=disabled_after_30th_attest
(! consequence: look at Abi-Entlassung...)
const maximum_possibilities_of_answers=2
demand_on_pupil=high
if something=missing
then call procedure <hans-henning>
procedure <beatrix>
#include <mathe.h>
#define ergebnis_von_beatrix=exaktes_ergebnis +/- 3000%
const=friseurbesuch/year=0
procedure <willi>
#include <political_correctness.h>
#define importance=genscher+1
#define support_from_bundesanstalt_f_polit_bildung=infinite (! paper-overflow-error)
call procedure <dagmar>
const gehaltsklasse=gehaltsklasse_letztes_jahr+1
procedure <hans-henning>
#include <genius.h>
#include <fertile.h>
const frequency_of_walks_out_of_room=1/min
const note_auf_heft=4+
confusion=enabled
call procedure <walter> on demand
call procedure <walter> if something=doesnt_work
procedure <renate>
#include <reli-kopien.h> (! paper-overflow-error)
#define demand_on_fresh_air=always
(! results in open windows)
if hunger=groß
then #define success_of_gottesdienst=100%
if erste_stunden=sowieso_frei
then #define success_of_gottesdienst=0%
end of program.
Lorenz Merdian